BAD MORNING MOVE

Here's a move you may want to master, it's a freebie that I'm giving away, no repercussions.
It goes down like this.
After a full-on night of partying and buffoonery, I woke up before the 'Bush did.
He was snoozing like there was no tomorrow.
Finally, I rolled over and shook him, no response. I liked my finger real good and stuck it in his ear, no response.
As a last resort, should have been my first, I went out side to the neighbor's yard. I stole a chunk of wood from their darling picket fence, and moseyed back in side.
I gripped the slender shaft of sleek hard wood with both hands, it felt good, right at home. With my tremendous right-handed wrist strength, I weilded my wood like a Hillshire Farms summer sausage on brisk Phillidelphia December mornin'. After my solo display of sausage handling, my wood found it's home atop 'Bush's ill-shapen head (ever see the movie Mask with Eric Stoltz?), narrowly missing his overly elongated giraffe neck.
Bush shot up like he just had a bolt of lighting enema!!!!
Almost instantly the hair on the back of his neck, and on the back of his back stood straight up, his gums, which are usually flapp'in away lay silent, then opened widly like an unlocked boa constrictor's jaw at an elephant eating contest. Last time I saw an opening that big, I put my foot in it.
His grimace, frozen in a look of sheer panic, or was it extasy, I'm not sure which, glared my straight in the eyes. I gotta tell you, for a split second I was a bit terrified. Once I realized what I had done, the beast I had awoken, I started to laugh my ass off.
I was lucky enough to have my Super Incredible 2.1 picture phone with me, and captured the action as it happened, all in mind-blowing 2d!!! Neck picture is for reference only.
A new move had just been invented. Now everyone has heard the term "woke up with wood", but now, "woke up my buddy with wood" is sweeping the nation.

CLASSIFIED VIDEO NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

Can't tell you much about how, when, or where I got my hands on this video. It's way to classified to let you in on it. I can tell you this... It's hotter than wearing a banana hammock while eating suicide wings on the floor of a volcano with a tin foil sombrero on your melon!! This is the secret dance hall practice for the upcoming New Kids On The Block World Tour. Check it out, put on your sweat bands first, 'cause you'll be a wet sweaty mess after this!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid German MOVE

Evidently, German's either have trouble reading, or are just plain STUPID!!
This 32 year old tub-o-crap, climbed the rail and jumped into the polar Bear's habitat, during feeding time. I guess she was really hungry and the Bear's food looked pretty damn good.
Zookeepers did their best to distract the woman, so the bears could get to her, and teach her a lesson.
My favorite bear bit her several times on the arms & legs.
Unfortunately, the fat toad managed to escape.
German ingenuity at it's best!!

BIGFOOT SIGHTING IN RED RIVER

Ok ok, so technically this is not a Bigfoot sighting. But it is a Bigfoot atack!!! It's the only Bigfoot attack ever caught on film. Due to the extreme violence in this video, viewer disrection is advised. Legalities out of the way, let me set this up for you. As members of the Bigfoot Research and Beer Drinking Team, or "BFRBDT", we are always prepared to conduct field obsevations at a moments notice. We were on safari in Red River, hiking at 9500', when we came upon a fresh pair of tracks that I reconized as Sasqwatch tracks. We hunkered down, silent as a church mouse, to listen for any noise. A heavy breathing sound was close by. Almost a grunt like sound. I very slowly, so as not to be detected, turned my head to see if I could see what was making this sound. Imagine my utter surprise, when I see Blackbush, using one of my shit slings, 20 yards upwind of me. I quickly deduced where the sounds came from. At that very moment I heard a branch snap. Not a twig mind you, But a sizable branch. I swear I caught a glimps of something big, really big, moving in the distant underbrush. I convinced Blackbush into sitting on a boulder so I could take his photo, "You're wife will love it" I tell him. What a bonehead. As he sat there like a stupid bump on a log, the forest came alive with excitement and confusion. Something was headed our way, and it was moving fast. With nerves of steel, I didn't flinch a bit. Watch the video to see what happens next.

NEW MEXICO STYLE

As we travel this great country of ours, we sometimes come across extrodinary moves, in the least likely places. Case in point: July 4th celebration in the hills of Northern New Mexico. Scouring the back country, full blown "native style", we came across this band of mountain folk, kick'n it the only way they knew how - SUPER SPICY!!!. The tribal leaders, in the very sheik tie-die celebration attire, were tearin it up like it was 1999!! I personnaly think they had some Native American blood in them. Not long after this dance, or "ritual", as I like to call it, it began to rain. Not just a drizzle mind you, but a full on Noah-type down pour. The temperature cooled down, but not the dance floor. I personally thre down a few moves myself, and you could have heard a pin drop. These folks were spellbound and the grace, and fluid motion my chisled body was able to produce, almost without effort. I hate to brag, no I don't, but I have never been anywhere, and seen better moves than mine. But thats a whole nother story.

QUICK TIP

Win place or show, not a good bet.

TRUE AMERICAN GRAND POUBAR

Listen up my fellow MOVER'S, here's is your chance to become an instant celebrity!!!!
F American Idol, F You Think You Can Dance, and F U Kim Kardashian!!!
Fellow MOVERS, your talent is like a size 15 up the ass of Paula Abdul. Your talent is like a sore dick, you just can't beat it.
We will be holding audutions for our new reality show "TRUE AMERICAN GRAND POUBAR".
It's the grandest of shows, (hence the name) showcasing your best move in a dangerous situation.
Guy walks in to a bar brandishing a deadly weapon, he's looking right at you and he's pissed. You think ultra fast, shove the pretty brunette off her stool and into the line of fire. You turn pivoting on your left heel, and make for the back door to safety. There's your MOVE, and possibly a big time contract with a Hollywood agent.
You will be competing against other like minded individuals, who also have MOVE'D in a dangerous situation. Each week, you will be judged by MOVER'S with way more talant than you'll ever have, Blackbush and myself will be setting in our diamond tucked thrones, telling you why you suck so F'in bad.
As you are eliminated, you will be escorted to the pit of doom, a murky leech infest cest-pool, bottom lined with 48" chrome steel Alaskan bear traps laced with poisoned darts from the Chkallkawa tribe, flown in especially for the show from the little village of Tampon, in S.Vietnam.
The climax of the show, will be a head to head to head full on comp, you against me & Blackbush in all our splendid glory!!! Good luck you sorry little bastards!!!!
Auditions will be held every Sunday of June, 2011, at "THE BUSH'S" house. Don't bother knocking, just walk in like you own the damn place, beer is in the fridge.
You will be contacted by telegraph, so brush up on your skills finger boy!!
Happy MOVING pheasants, see you at the chopping block

"LOOK AT ME I'M THE GAYEST EVER" MOVE

Even gays say: "Now that' gay!!!"
I took this photo, when I first met Black Bush at the Special Olympics.
This was the competition the Black Bush was eliminated from. Well not officialy eliminated, cause all the participants are winners,(yea right) I believe Bush took home a burlap trophy.
Anyhow, This frilly little Olympian actually cut a pretty mean rug. He was on fire, moving at a blistering pace never reached by a full-blown retard since the games began. Dancing with the stick thingy to the classic tune "Maniac" from that stupid welding movie. He blew away the competition, during and after his performance.
I had a chance to speak with the energetic fellow following his acceptance speech.
His name is Art Vandelay, sound familiar? He is an architect from New York, loves to eat at Monks Diner, as is a ahuge fan of Kenny Roger's Roasted chicken. He doesn't eat the chicken, just a big fan.
So I asked why he chose this "sport" to pursue. He tells me, in his own words:
Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

After I took another hit of what he was smokin, I truly began to understand the mind of a stick thingy dancer. The gracefulness, floating movements, athletic supporter pinching at my loins, and the extreme danger of running with a sharp stick!!!! I really feel....ALIVE!!! Michael Flatley you can kiss my Native American red ass!!
Art Vandelay, you and your "Stick-thingy" MOVE have made it to signature MOVE status.
We salute you.

"I GOTCHA" MOVE

I gotta by honest with you guys (most of the time), I lied to you.
The Super Bowl MOVE pics I posted were fakes. The 2 super cool dudes are not Black Bush and myself. You can get mad if you want, I really don't give an "F".
That's the beauty of being a part of the MOVE COALITION ORGANIZATION. You can lie, and say it was a "MOVE".
This is what I call the "I gotcha MOVE".
So here's the deal, the founding members of the MOVE Coalition are not as success in life as you have been led to believe. We are simple people living a simple life.
I met Black Bush back in '92 at the Special Olympics. He was competing and I was picking up chicks. We hit it off pretty good and became buddies.
I got him a nice little place 2 doors down from me at the trailer park, and hired him as my "deputy" security officer. We pretty much keep the peace in our trailer park, make sure everyone is following the "TOA".
This picture is the real "us". I'm on the left, Black Bush is on the right, and the dude in the middle is our little bitch.
I will not apologize for lying to you early, 'cause that's how we roll.

SUPER BOWL MOVE

Alright already, alot of you followers have ask me to reveal the true identity of Blackbush, and myself.
I do believe that it is time to finally let you know who you're dealing with here. After all, we are the masters of the MOVE.
Blackbush and I watched the super bowl at his lovely home, that's me on the right. Our two beautiful "wenches were busy in the "scrapbooking" room, aka underwear pillow fight!!!! YEA BABY YEA!!!
Now Blackbush is a pretty allright guy, but I gotta tell ya, he can't cook to save his life. When I got there all he was serving was citrus and some dried up wafer cracker. I think he was worried about me getting scurvy or something.
I pushed him out of the kitchen, or galley as he calls it, and whipped us up a couple bowls of pourage. He complaind that his was too hot, although mine was just right. When I told him to shut his cake hole, he got all bent and came back with "Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!"
I don't know where that came from, but I couldn't let him get a way with it, so I replied " I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!"
Blackbush: "Did we just become best friends?"
Me: Yep! Do you wanna do karate in the garage?
Blackbush: Yep!
And so the GOT MOVE legends were born!!

PUSSY WHIP MOVE OF THE MONTH

This is a move no one should be proud of.
National television, fist feeding your significant other hot buttered popcorn.
Thank god they weren't snacking on cocktail wienies.
Now you may think this is a sweet, heartfelt MOVE, I call Bullshit on this one.
All I see is a desperate attempt at affection, from a women the media tells us is beautiful. An ugly gutter slut, moving her way up the celebrity "fuck ladder". This Move puts this ugly battle axe on fuck ladder rung #2.

THE "I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF" MOVE.

Hands down, this inaugeral award has to go to our very own GOT MOVE Alumni, Blackbush.
Black bush and I recently competed in a local RC rock crawling event.
There was this little kid there, still in diapers, that was competing.
Now don't get me wrong, I love kids just as much as the next guy, but was this hunk a butter was one ugly mambajamba!!!
Any how, this little kid went one to completly and totally spank Blackbush in the crawling comp.
Blackbush of course does not believe he lost to the niblet, but the scores do not lie.
I on the other hand, went on to dominate the competition, and took home the 8 foot solid gold trophy. I actually had to rent a trailer to get this thing home.
I plan on donating it to the 4 wheel drive hall of fame, next to the booth that is dedicated to me.