BAD MORNING MOVE

Here's a move you may want to master, it's a freebie that I'm giving away, no repercussions.
It goes down like this.
After a full-on night of partying and buffoonery, I woke up before the 'Bush did.
He was snoozing like there was no tomorrow.
Finally, I rolled over and shook him, no response. I liked my finger real good and stuck it in his ear, no response.
As a last resort, should have been my first, I went out side to the neighbor's yard. I stole a chunk of wood from their darling picket fence, and moseyed back in side.
I gripped the slender shaft of sleek hard wood with both hands, it felt good, right at home. With my tremendous right-handed wrist strength, I weilded my wood like a Hillshire Farms summer sausage on brisk Phillidelphia December mornin'. After my solo display of sausage handling, my wood found it's home atop 'Bush's ill-shapen head (ever see the movie Mask with Eric Stoltz?), narrowly missing his overly elongated giraffe neck.
Bush shot up like he just had a bolt of lighting enema!!!!
Almost instantly the hair on the back of his neck, and on the back of his back stood straight up, his gums, which are usually flapp'in away lay silent, then opened widly like an unlocked boa constrictor's jaw at an elephant eating contest. Last time I saw an opening that big, I put my foot in it.
His grimace, frozen in a look of sheer panic, or was it extasy, I'm not sure which, glared my straight in the eyes. I gotta tell you, for a split second I was a bit terrified. Once I realized what I had done, the beast I had awoken, I started to laugh my ass off.
I was lucky enough to have my Super Incredible 2.1 picture phone with me, and captured the action as it happened, all in mind-blowing 2d!!! Neck picture is for reference only.
A new move had just been invented. Now everyone has heard the term "woke up with wood", but now, "woke up my buddy with wood" is sweeping the nation.

CLASSIFIED VIDEO NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

Can't tell you much about how, when, or where I got my hands on this video. It's way to classified to let you in on it. I can tell you this... It's hotter than wearing a banana hammock while eating suicide wings on the floor of a volcano with a tin foil sombrero on your melon!! This is the secret dance hall practice for the upcoming New Kids On The Block World Tour. Check it out, put on your sweat bands first, 'cause you'll be a wet sweaty mess after this!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid German MOVE

Evidently, German's either have trouble reading, or are just plain STUPID!!
This 32 year old tub-o-crap, climbed the rail and jumped into the polar Bear's habitat, during feeding time. I guess she was really hungry and the Bear's food looked pretty damn good.
Zookeepers did their best to distract the woman, so the bears could get to her, and teach her a lesson.
My favorite bear bit her several times on the arms & legs.
Unfortunately, the fat toad managed to escape.
German ingenuity at it's best!!

BIGFOOT SIGHTING IN RED RIVER

Ok ok, so technically this is not a Bigfoot sighting. But it is a Bigfoot atack!!! It's the only Bigfoot attack ever caught on film. Due to the extreme violence in this video, viewer disrection is advised. Legalities out of the way, let me set this up for you. As members of the Bigfoot Research and Beer Drinking Team, or "BFRBDT", we are always prepared to conduct field obsevations at a moments notice. We were on safari in Red River, hiking at 9500', when we came upon a fresh pair of tracks that I reconized as Sasqwatch tracks. We hunkered down, silent as a church mouse, to listen for any noise. A heavy breathing sound was close by. Almost a grunt like sound. I very slowly, so as not to be detected, turned my head to see if I could see what was making this sound. Imagine my utter surprise, when I see Blackbush, using one of my shit slings, 20 yards upwind of me. I quickly deduced where the sounds came from. At that very moment I heard a branch snap. Not a twig mind you, But a sizable branch. I swear I caught a glimps of something big, really big, moving in the distant underbrush. I convinced Blackbush into sitting on a boulder so I could take his photo, "You're wife will love it" I tell him. What a bonehead. As he sat there like a stupid bump on a log, the forest came alive with excitement and confusion. Something was headed our way, and it was moving fast. With nerves of steel, I didn't flinch a bit. Watch the video to see what happens next.

NEW MEXICO STYLE

As we travel this great country of ours, we sometimes come across extrodinary moves, in the least likely places. Case in point: July 4th celebration in the hills of Northern New Mexico. Scouring the back country, full blown "native style", we came across this band of mountain folk, kick'n it the only way they knew how - SUPER SPICY!!!. The tribal leaders, in the very sheik tie-die celebration attire, were tearin it up like it was 1999!! I personnaly think they had some Native American blood in them. Not long after this dance, or "ritual", as I like to call it, it began to rain. Not just a drizzle mind you, but a full on Noah-type down pour. The temperature cooled down, but not the dance floor. I personally thre down a few moves myself, and you could have heard a pin drop. These folks were spellbound and the grace, and fluid motion my chisled body was able to produce, almost without effort. I hate to brag, no I don't, but I have never been anywhere, and seen better moves than mine. But thats a whole nother story.

QUICK TIP

Win place or show, not a good bet.

TRUE AMERICAN GRAND POUBAR

Listen up my fellow MOVER'S, here's is your chance to become an instant celebrity!!!!
F American Idol, F You Think You Can Dance, and F U Kim Kardashian!!!
Fellow MOVERS, your talent is like a size 15 up the ass of Paula Abdul. Your talent is like a sore dick, you just can't beat it.
We will be holding audutions for our new reality show "TRUE AMERICAN GRAND POUBAR".
It's the grandest of shows, (hence the name) showcasing your best move in a dangerous situation.
Guy walks in to a bar brandishing a deadly weapon, he's looking right at you and he's pissed. You think ultra fast, shove the pretty brunette off her stool and into the line of fire. You turn pivoting on your left heel, and make for the back door to safety. There's your MOVE, and possibly a big time contract with a Hollywood agent.
You will be competing against other like minded individuals, who also have MOVE'D in a dangerous situation. Each week, you will be judged by MOVER'S with way more talant than you'll ever have, Blackbush and myself will be setting in our diamond tucked thrones, telling you why you suck so F'in bad.
As you are eliminated, you will be escorted to the pit of doom, a murky leech infest cest-pool, bottom lined with 48" chrome steel Alaskan bear traps laced with poisoned darts from the Chkallkawa tribe, flown in especially for the show from the little village of Tampon, in S.Vietnam.
The climax of the show, will be a head to head to head full on comp, you against me & Blackbush in all our splendid glory!!! Good luck you sorry little bastards!!!!
Auditions will be held every Sunday of June, 2011, at "THE BUSH'S" house. Don't bother knocking, just walk in like you own the damn place, beer is in the fridge.
You will be contacted by telegraph, so brush up on your skills finger boy!!
Happy MOVING pheasants, see you at the chopping block

"LOOK AT ME I'M THE GAYEST EVER" MOVE

Even gays say: "Now that' gay!!!"
I took this photo, when I first met Black Bush at the Special Olympics.
This was the competition the Black Bush was eliminated from. Well not officialy eliminated, cause all the participants are winners,(yea right) I believe Bush took home a burlap trophy.
Anyhow, This frilly little Olympian actually cut a pretty mean rug. He was on fire, moving at a blistering pace never reached by a full-blown retard since the games began. Dancing with the stick thingy to the classic tune "Maniac" from that stupid welding movie. He blew away the competition, during and after his performance.
I had a chance to speak with the energetic fellow following his acceptance speech.
His name is Art Vandelay, sound familiar? He is an architect from New York, loves to eat at Monks Diner, as is a ahuge fan of Kenny Roger's Roasted chicken. He doesn't eat the chicken, just a big fan.
So I asked why he chose this "sport" to pursue. He tells me, in his own words:
Well I hear the music, close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around, take a hold of my heart
What a feeling, bein's believin'
I can't have it all, now I'm dancin' for my life
Take your passion, and make it happen
Pictures come alive, you can dance right through your life

After I took another hit of what he was smokin, I truly began to understand the mind of a stick thingy dancer. The gracefulness, floating movements, athletic supporter pinching at my loins, and the extreme danger of running with a sharp stick!!!! I really feel....ALIVE!!! Michael Flatley you can kiss my Native American red ass!!
Art Vandelay, you and your "Stick-thingy" MOVE have made it to signature MOVE status.
We salute you.

"I GOTCHA" MOVE

I gotta by honest with you guys (most of the time), I lied to you.
The Super Bowl MOVE pics I posted were fakes. The 2 super cool dudes are not Black Bush and myself. You can get mad if you want, I really don't give an "F".
That's the beauty of being a part of the MOVE COALITION ORGANIZATION. You can lie, and say it was a "MOVE".
This is what I call the "I gotcha MOVE".
So here's the deal, the founding members of the MOVE Coalition are not as success in life as you have been led to believe. We are simple people living a simple life.
I met Black Bush back in '92 at the Special Olympics. He was competing and I was picking up chicks. We hit it off pretty good and became buddies.
I got him a nice little place 2 doors down from me at the trailer park, and hired him as my "deputy" security officer. We pretty much keep the peace in our trailer park, make sure everyone is following the "TOA".
This picture is the real "us". I'm on the left, Black Bush is on the right, and the dude in the middle is our little bitch.
I will not apologize for lying to you early, 'cause that's how we roll.

SUPER BOWL MOVE

Alright already, alot of you followers have ask me to reveal the true identity of Blackbush, and myself.
I do believe that it is time to finally let you know who you're dealing with here. After all, we are the masters of the MOVE.
Blackbush and I watched the super bowl at his lovely home, that's me on the right. Our two beautiful "wenches were busy in the "scrapbooking" room, aka underwear pillow fight!!!! YEA BABY YEA!!!
Now Blackbush is a pretty allright guy, but I gotta tell ya, he can't cook to save his life. When I got there all he was serving was citrus and some dried up wafer cracker. I think he was worried about me getting scurvy or something.
I pushed him out of the kitchen, or galley as he calls it, and whipped us up a couple bowls of pourage. He complaind that his was too hot, although mine was just right. When I told him to shut his cake hole, he got all bent and came back with "Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!"
I don't know where that came from, but I couldn't let him get a way with it, so I replied " I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!"
Blackbush: "Did we just become best friends?"
Me: Yep! Do you wanna do karate in the garage?
Blackbush: Yep!
And so the GOT MOVE legends were born!!

PUSSY WHIP MOVE OF THE MONTH

This is a move no one should be proud of.
National television, fist feeding your significant other hot buttered popcorn.
Thank god they weren't snacking on cocktail wienies.
Now you may think this is a sweet, heartfelt MOVE, I call Bullshit on this one.
All I see is a desperate attempt at affection, from a women the media tells us is beautiful. An ugly gutter slut, moving her way up the celebrity "fuck ladder". This Move puts this ugly battle axe on fuck ladder rung #2.

THE "I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF" MOVE.

Hands down, this inaugeral award has to go to our very own GOT MOVE Alumni, Blackbush.
Black bush and I recently competed in a local RC rock crawling event.
There was this little kid there, still in diapers, that was competing.
Now don't get me wrong, I love kids just as much as the next guy, but was this hunk a butter was one ugly mambajamba!!!
Any how, this little kid went one to completly and totally spank Blackbush in the crawling comp.
Blackbush of course does not believe he lost to the niblet, but the scores do not lie.
I on the other hand, went on to dominate the competition, and took home the 8 foot solid gold trophy. I actually had to rent a trailer to get this thing home.
I plan on donating it to the 4 wheel drive hall of fame, next to the booth that is dedicated to me.

OLD PIRATES NEVER DIE, THEY JUST GET OLD

I was visiting the "Ye 'Olde Drucken Clam Retirement Home" over the holiday, doing a little voluntere work.
Most of the residents are retired pirates, salty dogs, and otherwise ruthless types.
I came across the 2 chaps just about the time I was heading out.
My sources tell me that the guy, on the left busted a move with the dame of the guy on the right.In pirate fashion, the y both "wheeled" themselves back to their rooms, pulled out their swords, and commenced a full fledged, ol time pirate fight.
Everybody was not "fast as lightning, they were just old pirates fighting".
These old geisers didn't even have a name for this behavior.
This is where I stepped in, introduced myself, and named this MOVE the Scooter Store Swashbuck". Now technically & legally you can not perform this move unless you 65 years or older.
After their second "break" for canned oxygen, I grew bored and got outta there. Ya know pirites never did a lot for me, I lost interest rather quickly.
Not like the good old days when the cheated a lot and no rules applied.

SCIENCE MOVE OF THE MONTH

Talk about a "screwed up" business, the medical industry can't seem to decide how to run it's operation (no pun intended).
They are back to the "I'm looking at my chart and I'm too busy to talk to you" move.
Blackbush, whom I'm sure spear-headed this deal, would not return our calls for an interview. Maybe he was looking at a "chart". I do know he was in a drucken stuper from 11-24 to 11-28, per the saved text messages from him I have saved.
Anyhow, back to the main subject, I'm tired of the medical industry toying with us.
I suggest we all fight back and make a stand.
The next time you must go the the hospital, dentist, or podiatrist, as soon as you walk in, in a voice & tone that demands attention, I want you to request the "pat down". If the "Dr." has no idea what you mean, run as fast as you can to the next available Dr.

OLD SCHOOL HIPSTER OF THE MONTH

Another new segment of GOT MOVE!!!
In this new segment, we will be high-lighting an 'Old School Hipster".
What is an "Old School Hipster" you ask?
These are the people that define cool, people that are "sick", they have more hipsterness than you and I could ever imagine having. And the deserve respect.
I'd like to take a moment to introduce our very first Hipster, he is the very first member inducted into the Hipest Hipster Hall of Fame, back in 2002.
It is my pleasure to present my Father, Jim "The Godfather of hip" Chaney.
This cat is so friggin cool, he see's his breath in the middle of August. Before he moved to the Artic Circle, it was a plush rain forest. Look up cool, and you'll find a velvet painting of him, go ahead, google it!! He's so dashing he has been banned from all the night clubs 'cause when he leaves, all the female customers leave with him. This badass Hipster could pick-up more chicks pushing a lawn mower, than we could driving a Bentley!!! He invented the wheel, introduced North America to fire, and won gold in the '72, '76, '80, & '84 Olympics for ice dancing with that stick and ribbon thing. He runs so fast, he received a diamond medal when he shattered the 40 yard dash by simply running to his ice event. He wasn't even competing!!
Men want to be him, women want to be with him, children want to be kicked by him.
He has his own theme song, available on 8-track, cassette, dvd, blu-ray, and recently on beta.
The movie Gladiator is based on his one summer at church band camp. The tv show "shit my dad says" is based on his stint in detention when he was in 5th grade.
His moustache was a stunt double for Ron Jeremy's back in all of his classic movies.
Godfather of Hip, we salute you, and all you've done for the world of cool!!!

'SCIENCE MOVE" OF THE MONTH

In our last "Scienc Move" segment, I revealed the infamous "chart Move", my sources tell me this Move has been retired and replaced by a new Move.
The new Move is called the "Really!?!" Move.
Here's how it is performed:
You just received a call that your son/daughter, mother/father or loved one was in a horrific accident. You rush to the hospital in a panic to find out if they will survived.
You are sent to the "Doctor" i charge, and his ruggedly handsome assistant.
In a frantis, desperate plea, you ask if "so & so" will ever be able to lead a normal life again.
As the "Dr." and assistant push away the fast food lunch on their desk, they group together, as if to console you, and instead, just give you this stare. A stare that says: "Really?!?. You have the balls to interrupt my lunch and break with your voice that quivers like a little bitch? What? You think I do this for the compassion and satisfaction of knowing I'm helping my fellow man?"
They will continue to stare like this,as long as it takes, until you leave, and find some one else that can help you.
Sometimes, they will be in this position, until quitt'in time.
My advice to you, do your own surgery, and reset bones that don't really matter.

HOT PIRATE MOVE

Another Hot Pirate Move installment!!
Prepare to be boarded!! Avast! Pull Me Mast! Me buried treasure is in me pocket.
She ain't Mov'in, but ye can bet your wooden leg I be Mov'in!!!!

BAD MOVE OF THE WEEK

Our "Bad Move Of The Week" is brought to you by none other than me, and it has a bit of a twist this week. Instead of a bad Move, as in what was that idiot thinking, this is a bad Move as in, I wish I could be that cat. That macho dude is the coolest ever. I wish he were my son. He should be a King os something. All of these thoughts would be 100% accurate.
This is what I call the "Horizontal Bop" Move, that has taken years to perfect.
I do cut a mean rug, and have won many dance competitions over the course of my career. I have stated many times that i have "so many moves, I don't even know them all". (see dance afficionado magazine aug. 2006)
I saw a "hack" varation of this while on holiday in the south of France in late 2008, and just knew only I could pull it off.
After years of injury and frustration, I have finally mastered the art of full frontal dance exposure, at it's finest. I can maintain a full 13.7228 seconds of frontal levitational bouyancy skimming, or floating for short.
I generally can attain an altitude, not to be mistaken with elevation, of 22 inches, or 1 foot 10 inches, or 55.9 centimeters for you Canadian folks.
I know what you're thinking, that dude's pretty damn impressive, I can not argue with that!!!

HOT PIRATE MOVE

Pirates be hot, but women pirates be hotter!
Avast ye scurvydogs, this be thee new Hot Pirate Move section.
Feast yer eyes upon these wenches Moves.
I be not caring what move thee be doin, But thar sure is a new sparkle in this seeman's eyes.
Thar she blows!!!!!

"SO CALLED SCIENCE" MOVE OF THE MONTH

This is a new addition to the Got Move Movement. Each month, we will post a "science" move from the world of x-raying. My personal opinion, x-raying is some sort of "mind control" project by the government. The "technicians" who perform the x-raying itself, Gustapo agents looking for a cheap thrill when I remove my clothes.
Pictured here is one of our members, Blackbush. He is "acting" like he is in an intense conversation with the Dr. A conversation that could possible save someone's life. That's the move, and a damn good one at that.
Let's dig deeper for the answwer to this move.
Picture this, A DR. and x-ray "technician", walking thru the corridors of the hospital. As they walk, they are happy as clams, giggling over last weekends sexcapades. When suddenly, a hysterical patrone, seeking out the condition of a loved one approaches the two.
Immediately, the Dr. & x-ray "technician" pull an x-ray out of their ass, and act as though thet are saving the world. The hysterical patrone, who is told to "ssshhhh" by the Dr,. continues on to the next available "non-busy" attendant.
The Dr. & x-ray "technician", like a flipped light switch, continue their "weekend" conversation, exactly where they left off. Never missed a beat.
Works everytime. This is "sweet" perfection, and on one does it better the Blackbush.